The Secret to a Happier You

By Stacey Colino

If you believe your happiness hinges on finding a better job, or you suspect you’re destined to have a downbeat disposition because your dad had one, think again. “Your happiness level isn’t set in stone, and it’s a myth that you’re either born naturally happy or you aren’t,” says Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and author of The How of Happiness.

For the past 18 years, Lyubomirsky has been conducting research on what makes people happy and ways they can be happier. Her conclusion: Only 10 percent of your happiness is influenced by life circumstances, such as your financial situation or marriage. And while genetics determines 50 percent of your happiness, a full 40 percent is within your control because it is influenced by what you do and how you think in your daily life. The first step: Choose to be happy. Then, take matters into your own hands. Here’s how:

1. Do little acts of kindness for others Buy a friend flowers or help a colleague with computer problems. “Being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and fosters a heightened sense of cooperation in your community,” Lyubomirsky explains. This in turn helps you feel connected to others, which contributes to a sense of belonging and well-being. Plus, “when you commit acts of kindness, you may begin to view yourself as an altruistic and compassionate person,” she adds, which can make you feel more confident, optimistic and useful.

2. Cultivate gratitude “By relishing some of the gifts of your life, you will be able to extract the maximum possible satisfaction and enjoyment from your circumstances,” Lyubomirsky says. So start a gratitude journal, in which you jot down three to five things you’re grateful for each day -- whether it’s that your spouse did the dishes after dinner, your best friend is always there for you or your leaky roof is finally fixed. Whenever possible, express your gratitude to the person who sparked the feeling as well. The gesture will make you both feel happier.

3. Set meaningful goals Pursuing a goal that you value gives your life a sense of purpose and gives you a feeling of control over your life. Plus, “following intrinsic goals -- goals that you pursue because they are inherently satisfying and meaningful to you -- gives you something to look forward to,” Lyubomirsky explains.

4. Develop good coping skills “Having good coping skills will prevent bad stuff from affecting you disproportionately,” says Lyubomirsky. Start by cultivating strong problem-solving skills: brainstorming potential solutions, weighing the benefits and drawbacks of each and choosing the best course of action. That way you’ll be prepared when faced with a troubling situation that you have some control over. Then, for situations that you can’t change, learn how to distract yourself, reframe a problem in a more positive light or accept the situation gracefully.

“Some people are really surprised that they can make such a difference in their own happiness,” says Lyubomirsky. But the encouraging truth is, “How you think about yourself, your world and other people is more important to your happiness than the objective circumstances of your life.” By taking these steps, you’ll savor the positive experiences you have, minimize the bad stuff that happens and infuse your life with a greater sense of meaning, satisfaction and optimism.

Stacey Colino has written for The Washington Post Health section and many national magazines including Newsweek, Real Simple, Woman's Day, Self, Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Parenting, Sports Illustrated and Ladies' Home Journal.

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Happiness article

So True!

Posted by Cindy Moll on 7/16/08 at 10:32 AM

liverightlivewell

12 steps all the way

Posted by David A. Smith on 7/20/08 at 8:30 AM

Happiness article

I personally think that both, Cindy Moll and David A. Smith, have done their homework, because their responses to the four steps are positive. I am not quite sure what, David A. Smith, means or is referring to by his reference to 12 steps all the way? Is he referring to the 12 steps A.A. projects, or is there a 12 step psychological process that is different from the 12 step A.A. uses for those people in need? The article of four step for self happiness is in and of itself a quality piece of work, and I think it is inspiring to read for someone who can identify with what kind of message it is trying to convey to the readers. I thought it to be a very pleasant break from the moment. Thanks, Joseph, 7/20/ 08 1:03 PM

Posted by Joseph on 7/20/08 at 12:57 PM

The Secret to a Happier You

I have NEVER been truly happy & have always attributed it to the horrible situations I lived through in my early years. - I have NEVER had good feelings of self-worth; have gone through therapy & have been on depression meds for years. Though I have been blessed with artistic talent, a good husband, a home, children & grandchildren --- I still have emptiness & have wished all my life for something to fill that void. ..... Our grown son, a black belt karate instructor; has lived by the same principles as the words in this article & for some time has attempted to instll the idea into my head that "Happiness is attainable. - Even in the most difficult times --- if you approach it with the right spirit & take decisive action to change your negative attitiude." This simple philosophy is what so many live by. - Perhaps I should enlarge this & print it out & plaster it all-over my art studio so I see it every day!!!!!

Posted by Donna Kotkas on 7/20/08 at 6:05 PM

Math and People dont go hand in hand

Interesting the way they broke down happiness into a percentage. As if everything in your life can be solved by a simple equation. the true matter of the human condition isnt so easily explained as 50% genetic 10% situation and 40% activity. The fact of the matter is that different things make different people happy. In that sense im going to point out that the article promotes the idea that how you view yourself socially affects your overall happiness in life. It doesnt take into context the idea that certain people are truly happy alone. In its attempts to generalize it is flawed breaking down the idea of the individual person to give over to a mathematical process of course anyone reading this is either a curious person, one who is doubtful of all things around them, or someone who doesnt believe they are happy for one reason or another so writing this from the perspective that i am really has no point. However as it staves off the single thing that all people fight against, boredom that is. It has a purpose in granting reprieve from a bored inactivity giving in its own odd way a small bit of happiness in its creation. I dont know how to put what i believe on this subject into better words but honestly anyone who feels that they are not happy like they have a void, as the above poster has described, needs to first know what it is that creates that void then understand the void and in turn they can work to fill it. On the other hand from a creative perspective the void you feel may also be your muse allowing you to accomplish what you have by giving you a feeling that is like one nobody else has felt, and in that way it is a tool to further yourself. Look around you to know you. And also if i have contradicted myself in any way please know that i have forgotten what i said at the start of this comment as i cant really see it from this point in the comment. In the immortal words of half the internet gaming community "Good luck, have fun"

Posted by John Merritt on 7/20/08 at 11:48 PM

happiness

I don't buy it at all. Only 10% of happiness is based on your life circumstances. Really? I haven't seen proof of that in my life's observations. It is true that a bigger house and more money won't necessarily make you happy and developing good coping skills can lift many of life's burdens, but I don't believe that a person who just lost a job, is responsible for a terminally ill family member and whose house is in foreclosure can ignore the stunning reality of all of that by simply choosing to be happy and having good coping skills. Some things that happen to you in life blindside you and you need time to reorient yourself. Rather than choosing/pretending to be happy when your world is caving in, you need to be realistic and understand that somethings can make you sad and that you are not a bad person for feeling that way. Sadness is included in our emotional repritoire for a reason. Also, when you are in survival mode, your goal is to make it til tomorrow not to be happy. I'm sure the book has some good points, but I think the danger is that people who read it will come away thinking that something is wrong with them if they have occasional sad days. There need to be more caveats and disclaimers before conclusory statements such as life circumstances only account for 10% of happiness are made.

Posted by Sandra on 12/2/08 at 3:09 PM

The Secret to a Happier You

How can you be so blase' to use percentages to equate the 40% we can control to be happy. Thats ridiculous. If happiness is this easy to attain I guarantee you anyone who reads this article will use your cues, but how many will actually follow it and then find happiness with it. I do agree that the 4 things you stated will help folks but happiness is not this simplistic for individuals. If it were, we could all be wihistling Walt Disney tunes and walk down the yellow brick road! You geared this artlcle to be short and sweet and to appeal to the average, Joe the Plumber. But, thanks anyway. Its not unlike articles Ive read all my life.

Posted by Ruth McGill on 12/2/08 at 4:53 PM

How to be happy.

I am 69 years old and have been happy for 99.9% of it. It's mostly in your attitude. Wheh you get up in the morning decide that this will be a great day and you will be happy and enjoy yourself. Anybody can be happy or miserable it their decision.

Posted by Robert Crabtree on 12/2/08 at 10:59 PM

Happiness? Really?

I've spent hundreds of dollars on self help books and read more articles than I care to admit. I work in an industry where I HELP others yet I don't feel appreciated. I don't buy this whole thing. I feel circumstances play a HUGE role in how I feel about myself, starting with me reaching out to others. Very few people appreciate the blessings they have been given and the people who give them to them. That has nothing to do with my opinion of myself nor my genetics. I have given to charity food banks, only to see the local grocery store give "day old" and "nearly expired" items to the same Food Bank in huge bulks. Doesn't make me feel good or special. I have given my time and money to charity events and even hosted them, to see them squander the money on petitions, protests, stupid TV ads and backing politicians I hate. Doesn't make me feel good. I tried to reach out to poor neighbors and give them money and help them get jobs, yet they break into my house and rob me. Still not loving society right now. So I quit EVER helping strangers again and I mean ever!!! So let's move on to genetics....my parents are both now dead. They seemed happy to me for 35 yrs and loved life and their kids...so nothing wrong there. Lastly, I normally a happy-go -lucky person. I feel my CIRCUMSTANCES and EXPERIENCES have lead to a belief system that makes me stop reading this kind of crap anymore. Everybodys got an opinion. I just didn't write the book.

Posted by Cara on 6/15/10 at 6:17 PM